Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
