I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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