I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
