VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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