this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
