can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
