I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
