I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
