Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
they need to just BURY HIM!
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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