god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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