Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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