Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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