i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
