She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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