Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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