When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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