don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
