Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
