Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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