If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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