Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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