we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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