remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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