im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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