Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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