Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
