why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
