I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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