Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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