Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Soap is not a condiment
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize