i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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