I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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