My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
