I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
