It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
did i walk over a car last night?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am naked and annoyed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
