Do you still have your period?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
