they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
