God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
