Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
