Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
