He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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