so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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