We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
