Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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