I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
