Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
