your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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