Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
