3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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