maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
