Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
