woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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