I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
