So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
