if i can run in heels then i can drive
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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