they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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