you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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