I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
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She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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