If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i think i just lost a toe
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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