Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
